Moving on …

So things haven’t been great. Probably the worst summer ever spent desperately trying to sort myself out while battling with complex emotions and moods.

My friends and family have been amazing but it doesn’t stop me from feeling alone and lonely. I’m not very good at asking for help from my friends because they’re all so busy, so I spend a lot of my time curled up in messy, snotty balls of tears beating myself up and wondering when this will stop. The general consensus seems to be 6 months … 6 months of this? 

In less than a week I am back to work and although I’m looking forward to having a routine in my life again I feel that I have so much left to do. Everything I had planned to do this summer went to the dogs because my priorities changed.

Dealing with my emotions and feelings have been the hardest. I’ve tried to be angry. I’ve tried to hate. I’ve tried to be indifferent but none of theses are me. I’m not that person. I always see what else is going on with someone to drive them to hurt me so deeply and end up caring more about them than myself. I wish I didn’t care I really do.

The over-riding feeling though is loss. I’ve lost the man who was the love of my life. The man who gave me confidence, who allowed me to be myself … And then that rug was slowly taken from beneath me. The systematic decline of our relationship had me questioning my own sanity and now I’m stuck here trying to come to terms with what was real and what was not.

I know that I am better without him. He pulled me down with him and I couldn’t sink to a lower point than I was just before we split. However the times we’ve spent together since we broke up showed me that there was something great there once.  If only he could have talked to me when we were together in the way that we could after we broke up. And now we are Day 1 of the 60 days of non-contact. It needed to be done. I know he won’t want me back – but I need to get over the hoping because it’s unhealthy. I miss him though – I miss him so much.

But I can’t keep harping backwards – I need to move on. 

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