We Are Exploding in Film Art Music Entertainment

Much love for The Zine

thezine3

December 2014 – Chapter 3/Number3 is already creating new futures: Quite a bit of it in London, where some of The Zine team are based. With our Chapter 1 talents raising their profile within a year, the power of under radar music is proven. Freshly uploaded, Chapter 3 makes Spring/Summer 2015 buzz in advance. True movement.

IMG_2177Starting a live music venue from scratch at Number3London; as we are setting up, is that Bruno Wizard of The Homosexuals or Jimmy Johnson of CuT with our music editor, Dizzy Spell?

29 bOn that evening (Friday 5th December), four inspirational bright young things came together; (left to right) Film creative, Elisabeth Rasmussen, musician/promoter/radio presenter Jean Genie Graham, musician/dj Kalamity Kate and photographer, Polly Harvey who is one of The Zine’s Chapter 3 photographers.

Number3Live Sessions are go. Soon after, Chapter 1 cover stars, Rhiannon The Nightmare play live with James Fisher (who also does a photo session…

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Archives #2 – Portraits

… when I wanted to make a go of this ‘photography’ lark I did a few photo shoots.  I’m really proud of some of the work I did and am sad that I don’t have time to do so much any more.  I no longer have my lights (in limbo at the moment) and I’m still trying to work out the whys and wherefores of off-camera flash.  I’ve never been particularly good at lighting techniques and it’s something I really would like to practice again (when I get new lights I guess).

But here are a few portraits that I’m still proud of:

This photograph was taken in a make-shift photobooth we set up (before they became all hip and trendy).  I was there for what seemed like hours, capturing the crazy looks of the revelers.

This photograph was taken in a make-shift photobooth we set up (before they became all hip and trendy). I was there for what seemed like hours, capturing the crazy looks of the revelers.

I did some work with models off Model Mayhem to build up my portfolio.  This one was featured in a magazine which I should really hunt out!

I did some work with models off Model Mayhem to build up my portfolio. This one was featured in a magazine which I should really hunt out!

Anarkali - a photograph from two days spent photographing bellydancers at a Bellydance Superstar event. I loved these women - so inspiring.

Anarkali – a photograph from two days spent photographing bellydancers at a Bellydance Superstar event.
I loved these women – so inspiring.

Samantha Emmanuel.  She invited me down to Devon to photograph a bellydance weekend and I spent some time doing a shoot with her.

Samantha Emmanuel. She invited me down to Devon to photograph a bellydance weekend and I spent some time doing a shoot with her.

At the Spiegeltent when it was next to Battersea Power station.

At the Spiegeltent when it was next to Battersea Power station.

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This was a photo shoot with a MUA and a model to build our portfolios.  He was up for ANYTHING so we dressed him as a fairy.  I was really proud of my editing more than anything on this.

This was a photo shoot with a MUA and a model to build our portfolios. He was up for ANYTHING so we dressed him as a fairy. I was really proud of my editing more than anything on this.

I’m going to hunt out some of my ‘band’ photographs later in the week.  It’s fun going through the archives – I think I was an ‘ok’ photographer at one point!

 

puts it all in perspective

The worst part of my job is knowing that occasionally you will have to deal with the death of a student.

We heard this morning that one of our students from last year, a much loved student, died at the weekend.  I obviously won’t go into details but just knowing that at 16 years and 9 months this sweet boy’s life was cut short just breaks my heart.

I was watching some videos I made with him last year, just seeing his smile and hearing his laughter as he acted in front of the camera made me cry with sadness and joy.  Sadness that he is no longer here, but joy at knowing what he achieved in school. He faced so many adversities to be in mainstream education and left with qualifications – something he probably couldn’t have done a few decades ago.

I don’t know what else to say really … but I’ll never forget him!

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… was that really me?

Well it’s early in the morning and I’m awake.  I have to start getting ready for work in just over an hour and it’s SO cold.  But I’m tucked up in bed, wrapped in my dressing gown and watching the news.  I’m a creature of habit if nothing else.

Firstly I want to say that this isn’t some pass/agg way of ‘talking indirectly’ to him.  He’s blocked all over the place and I don’t think he even knew I had this blog so this is my way of ‘talking through’ my current state of mind … just to clear that up!

I finally read back that last post, over 2 months later, and it seems like a different person. I understand now why the ‘2 months non-contact rule’ exists.  Because, after 2 months, you don’t want to hear from them again!  I’m not going to bitch and moan because there’s no need to any more.  I’m pissed that he still hasn’t bothered to change his address with his bank so I’m STILL having to fight the fact that the credit rating on this flat is for shit!  But … other than that … my life is good.  And I’m not just saying that.

After a break-up with someone you thought you knew and loved, you experience intense grief.  I realised that a lot of that was to do with me questioning myself.  Questioning why I allowed that to happen for so long.  Why I allowed the slow, inexorable decline of my self-esteem and my personality to happen.  I don’t recognise that woman any more.  That weak, pathetic creature who would do anything to hold onto someone who was obviously no longer interested.

I posted this on my Facebook before I went to Rome:

“I’ve realised that the past few days I’ve not even thought about him, not in any sort of ‘I miss him’ way. I’ve even called him by his name and not called him ‘the shit’.
When he’s popped up as a ‘recommended friend’ there’s no jump in my heart, no feeling of sickness, no tears rising up in my eyes. Instead there is a gentle acceptance that he is no longer in my life and my life is so much better for it.
I’m not saying that this will definitely be the way … Yes I will occasionally have moments when my heart pounds a little harder and my eyes tear up when I think of him. But … In the same way that ‘I’ learned how not to behave in a relationship from my life with M, I now know what I will not accept in my life from a partner thanks to B.
I’ve used this time to grow and learn a lot about myself. Some has been hard, some has been exciting and some has been just an awakening of what I already knew.
So thank you … You all know who you are. My family and friends (such interchangeable words) who have seen me through all of this.
I love you all xxxxxxxxx”

I’m embarrassed about who I was as I was going through the break-up.  I’m embarrassed about the discussions I had with people where I excused his behaviour, where I went a little bit ‘psycho ex’ (although, to be fair, compared to what people suggested I did I think I behaved pretty decently all things considered!) where I cried and cried.  Just even typing this makes me embarrassed.  But love does weird things to people and it can never be said that I didn’t love with all my heart.

I wear my heart on my sleeve – this has, to be honest, had a detrimental effect on me as people who aren’t as honest as they purport to be will abuse my trust. I can’t change who I am to such a degree that I am untrue to myself but I am starting to protect myself more.

I’m enjoying life more than I have done for a couple of years. Friends and colleagues tell me how well I look, I guess the anxiety is gone from my face. I like the fact that despite the weightloss being quite dramatic (I AM getting tired of comments congratulating me on eating at work- people seemed to think this was all deliberate – believe me I love food – just I didn’t want to eat much!) I know I look healthier. I look like me again!

Looking back over posts from the past I realise that I was very angry for a long time. That manifested itself in my online spats when I should have just left them alone. I don’t want to psychoanalyse myself too much (too late) but I believe that these were substitutes for the anger I felt about my home life. I couldn’t express that so, as many do, I took it out on others. I can only apologise for that (although some really did deserve it!).

But I’m not embarrassed to say that the majority of the time I behaved in a respectful and mature way.  I tried to understand the other side of the story, I tried to see his point of view and I not to be angry.  Because I know how debilitating anger is.

This has helped me because now I am indifferent.  And that’s such a better position to be in.  I can no longer feel anything for him.  I have no good memories of our time together, though I’m sure they will return and I will look back fondly on some of the times.

The new me has emerged and in fact emerged quite a few weeks ago.  I will no longer define myself as someone who’s just ‘gone through a break up’ … fuck that.  I’m back back back! ha ha …

Even looking to the left of this post makes me embarrassed that I read a bloody ‘self-help’ book … arghhhhhhhhhhhhh … wtf? Honestly, I don’t recognise that woman.  She wasn’t me, I was hijacked!

… enough …

Moving on …

So things haven’t been great. Probably the worst summer ever spent desperately trying to sort myself out while battling with complex emotions and moods.

My friends and family have been amazing but it doesn’t stop me from feeling alone and lonely. I’m not very good at asking for help from my friends because they’re all so busy, so I spend a lot of my time curled up in messy, snotty balls of tears beating myself up and wondering when this will stop. The general consensus seems to be 6 months … 6 months of this? 

In less than a week I am back to work and although I’m looking forward to having a routine in my life again I feel that I have so much left to do. Everything I had planned to do this summer went to the dogs because my priorities changed.

Dealing with my emotions and feelings have been the hardest. I’ve tried to be angry. I’ve tried to hate. I’ve tried to be indifferent but none of theses are me. I’m not that person. I always see what else is going on with someone to drive them to hurt me so deeply and end up caring more about them than myself. I wish I didn’t care I really do.

The over-riding feeling though is loss. I’ve lost the man who was the love of my life. The man who gave me confidence, who allowed me to be myself … And then that rug was slowly taken from beneath me. The systematic decline of our relationship had me questioning my own sanity and now I’m stuck here trying to come to terms with what was real and what was not.

I know that I am better without him. He pulled me down with him and I couldn’t sink to a lower point than I was just before we split. However the times we’ve spent together since we broke up showed me that there was something great there once.  If only he could have talked to me when we were together in the way that we could after we broke up. And now we are Day 1 of the 60 days of non-contact. It needed to be done. I know he won’t want me back – but I need to get over the hoping because it’s unhealthy. I miss him though – I miss him so much.

But I can’t keep harping backwards – I need to move on. 

Surviving The Evacuation, Book 1: LondonSurviving The Evacuation, Book 1: London by Frank Tayell

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

I love a good zombie story – and one stuck in my neck of the woods I thought would be right up my alley. Unfortunately the narrator was entirely unsympathetic which would have worked if we had him interacting more with other characters. However I found myself caring less and less about him and ended up scan-reading a lot of the remainder of the book. There was nothing original here and although there was a potential great storyline regarding government corruption it was never explored deeply enough.
Maybe the sequels will examine this further but I can’t be bothered to read them when there are much better writers in the genre out there.
Also the Kindle edition has a few spelling and punctuation errors which were a bit annoying.

View all my reviews